You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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