a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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