There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
