accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
