everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
