So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
