She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
