So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize