I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
