I have demons in me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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