Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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