Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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