I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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