I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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