I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
