I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize