my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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