Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
