So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
