Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize