Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
