Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
