OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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