i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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