i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
