Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
