I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
