John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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