I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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