Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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