I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
