I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
