I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
