Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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