It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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