Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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