is your mom at the bar?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
