Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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