After last night, I could never be a politician.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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