I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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