well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
