OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
