I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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