I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
