im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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