The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
