i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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