Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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