Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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