Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
