I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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