I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
