I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize