Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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