So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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