i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
