i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
