My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
