Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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