Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
