i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
