Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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