I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
