The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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